KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo has entered the competitive EV market in a bid to continue driving up the value of company shares, chief management revealed today in a statement. The electronics firm is already two years into development with a “secret weapon” that draws inspiration from popular racing franchise Mario Kart, and will ostensibly “put Tesla out of business” and throw shade at Sony in one fell swoop.
Nintendo’s first self-driving vehicle has been tentatively called the ‘E-Bowser’. According to the brief press release, the flagship model will travel 400 miles on a single charge and reaches top speeds of up to 80 mph. Users will be able to power their Nintendo Switch consoles inside the vehicle with minimal battery drain, and have the option to use both Joy-Cons and Pro Controllers (tilt controls included) for manual steering.
Image: Bowser dominates the race track with high octane precision and unstoppable ego (Nintendo)
“We looked at the success of Nintendo Switch, and tried to apply the same hybrid features to a car.” A Nintendo representative said. “We really feel that the E-Bowser meets Nintendo’s three core values: innovation, entertainment, and comic mischief.”
At a secluded Kyoto conference, Nintendo director Shigeru Miyamoto skilfully dodged further questions relating to the vehicle, but wasn’t so reserved when it came to long-time rival Sony:
“We’ll only be considering test drives with Microsoft since Sony is never interested in that sort of thing, amirite?”
Nintendo’s decision to effectively crash the EV scene hasn’t been met with a particularly warm reception. In a Twitter spat, Tesla CEO Elon Musk said Nintendo was “just jealous” because unlike Atari, it hadn’t been given the opportunity to showcase classic Nintendo titles in Tesla vehicles. 
Just within the past hour, a number of rumours concerning the E-Bowser have begun popping up on several websites. One source claims it will come with a self-regenerative model of Mario Kart‘s iconic blue shell, which has raised several eyebrows amongst traffic control lobbies on social media. Chief of navigation Rose Taylor cautioned the E-Bowser would allow aggrieved drivers to pellet other vehicles during fits of road rage.
“Without the super horn, there isn’t even a way to retalliate.” She said.
Miyamoto was less combative in his reply, instead urging potential new customers to “please, (do) not do that.”
Nintendo aims to finalise E-Bowser production by late 2019 for a full launch in 2020 to coincide with the Tokyo Olympics.
